Seeing Through My Eyes
by robinstar
Summary: I can’t, not yet, maybe never. I can’t choose. Neither of them realize that they’re practically asking me to do the impossible...Chapter Five Up
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One:

Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel like a big screw up? How about one where it feels like everything that went wrong was all your fault? Well, that's what my whole life is like. I'm a screw up for being a half demon, I'm a screw up for letting her down, and I'm I screw up for falling in love. But you think anyone cares? Well, she tells me that she does but you wouldn't know it from the way she's yelling at me.

"Quit your yappin'" I bark at her angrily.

"Baka! Sit!" she yells and I groan in pain as I'm suddenly thrown face first onto the hot ground,

If there's anything I hate, it's that word. If only there was some way I could get these beads off! Yeah...then who'd be on the ground? Stupid wench. Oh, wait...I can smell the salt...tears? She's crying? Great, just freakin' great. The spell wears off and I instantly climb off the ground and grab her shoulder.

"Kagome," I say, in a voice I don't even recognize.

She doesn't answer so I turn her around so that she's facing me.

"Why do you do this to me?" she asks, tears flowing from her eyes.

Now I know why she's crying. She knows that I went to see _her._ I sigh and look down at my feet uncomfortably. I want to tell her that it's ok, that she doesn't have to cry, but, my mouth has a mind of it's own.

"Feh, I didn't do nothin' to you," I mutter, but I still can't bring myself to look at her.

"I can't believe after all we've been through, you still go to see her," she says and gives me the same speech she gives me every time I go to see _her. _

"Look, Kagome why does it matter to you anyway?" I ask, though I already know the answer.

"Because," she says, "I l..lo.." she can't say it, but that's good because I don't want to hear it.

I mean, I have feelings for her too but it's hard because no matter what I do, I can't get rid of these feelings that I have for _her_. I still can't look at her. She's making me feel guilty, and I shouldn't because I did nothing wrong. She thinks her world is crashing down! She doesn't even know how it is for me. I know she's waiting for me. She wants me to choose. They both want me to choose. But I can't do that, not yet, maybe never.

"What do you see in her?" she asks me and I lower my ears.

I don't _know_ what I see in her. I can't answer her question and she frowns.

"What do you see in _me_ ?" she asks this time and I close my eyes, in deep thought.

I see lots of things. There's a never-ending list I keep in my mind of all the things I

lo-like about her. But, I can't tell her that, not yet.

"Do you...see _anything_ in me?" she asks when I don't answer.

Gods, she looks like she's gonna cry again!

"Yes," I say finally. "I see you. I see Kagome."

She seems satisfied for now. At least now she won't cry. I can't stand it when she cries. I don't know what to do and it makes me feel useless. I have to look at her now, but only for a moment, just to assure her.

I raise my eyes to meet hers and I see the one thing that really makes me feel guilty. I see longing and...love? I have to look down again because I cannot return that same expression. She wants me to, but I can't, not yet, maybe never. I can't choose. Neither of them realize that they're practically asking me to do the impossible.

I always think it's funny how I can take down the strongest demons and overcome any obstacle that appears on my path, but I can't do the simple task of choosing. Maybe it's because I know that if I choose then the other one will hate me forever. The stupid thing is...I don't know _how _to choose. _I_ shouldn't have to choose. The way I see it, if they both love me as much as they claim to, then they should be willing to do anything for me. If they really love me then they'll stay with me, even when I tell them to leave. They'll talk me out of something dangerous, no matter how much I wanna do it. They'll take care of me, even if I refuse help. More importantly, they'll _accept_ me, just as I am.

No, I _won't _be the one to choose, but I will be the one to test.

It's a new day. The sun is slowly rising in the distance. I look down at Kagome while she sleeps, a small smile is set on her lips. Her lips...they look so inviting this morning. That little smirk she's wearing is taunting me, mocking me, as if saying "I dare you." But, I know it's just me and my stupid hormones.

Lately I've been having strange dreams involving either Kagome or Kikyo, the cycle alternates. No matter whom I dream about though, I wake up soiled and soaked in my own scent. The thing that makes them strange thing is the ones with Kagome seem more...realistic, whereas the ones with Kikyo are more like actual dreams, fantasies...

I jump as Kagome mutters something that oddly sounds like my name and then rolls over, snuggling into that "sleeping bag" as she calls it. I never do see why she insists on using that thing. The ground is just as comfortable, but I guess it's just women. Feh, always gotta be treated like royalty. Despite my thoughts, I can feel myself smiling. She always looks so peaceful when she sleeps...

I can't remember when I saw Kikyo sleep... It was so long ago and I'm not sure that I ever saw her sleep period. The people of her village never were too fond of me being around. But I guess that didn't matter to me then. I just wanted the Shikon Jewel. Well, not much has changed since then, I think and then chuckle softly. I still want the jewel as much as I ever did, but for different reasons. Yes, now I think if we did find the rest of the jewel shards, I would give the jewel to Kikyo. I get the feeling she would then be able to have a body again. Well, I would give it to her after we defeat Naraku, that is.

Kagome stirs in her sleep and I sigh. Hopefully she would not bring up what had happened last night. I really didn't want to talk about it. I look down at her as she open s her eyes and yawns. She then gets up and opens her backpack to get out the contents for this morning's meal.

"It's about time you decided to get up," I growl but she just smiles.

"Good morning to you too, Inuyasha," she says.

I sigh. The woman never could hold a grudge. Maybe that's why it's so easy to be around her. She would just forgive.

I can see her frown suddenly.

"What's wrong?" I ask, jumping down next to her.

"We're running out of food," she replies and I heave a loud sigh.

"Great," I mutter.

We were days away from the well and there was no telling when another village would appear.

"I guess if we run out I could always go hunt something," I say and smirk at her expression. She probably thought of how one of those "cute little bunnies" would look slaughtered by my claws. I never was and still am not a person to go easy on something.

The others are awakening and I groan. Shippo is rambling off about something, again. If the runt is grumpy, he should go back to sleep. I really didn't want to hear him whine.

I sit back and watch our morning routine take place. Miroku gets slapped because his hand "slipped", just like it does every morning. Shippo is crying to Kagome because I punched him for getting in my face. Kagome is glaring as she pours the Raman into the boiling water and pats Shippo's head as she lets him stir in the spices.

I smile as I found myself staring at Kagome's long black hair. I remember when I stroked her hair and couldn't help but wonder if she had hair _elsewhere_... I slap myself mentally and pretend to be focusing on my claws. Come to think of it, they do need a little cleaning.

Today is a normal day. After breakfast we walk for a few hours before we reach a small village who tells us of a demon that attacks them regularly. After hunting the demon down and destroying it to bits, we return to the village where we are offered shelter and food as a part of our reward. A normal, boring day.

Maybe tomorrow will be different, I think as I lean against the wall of the tiny hut. I can sense something big is going to happen but I can't put my finger on it. I get the feeling I will know soon enough...


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two:

I still have that feeling of unease as we continue on our journey. I can smell Kikyo's scent, just faintly, but it's there. She's following us, but why? It's making me curious as we walk through yet another forest. I glance over at Kagome and I can see her very obvious annoyance. I know she can sense Kikyo's aura and I feel bad. She thinks I'm going to go off with her, I realize and sigh.

It's not like anything ever happens between us. We just talk. Well, she does most of the talking. Most of the time I'm so caught up in emotions and my thoughts that I can't even manage to say hi. Kikyo just assumes I'm thinking about Kagome and vise versa. I hate being in the middle of this. It really messes with my head. One minute I love one, the the next minute I love the other. My heart can't seem to make up its mind.

Shippo's whining now. Something about being hungry. As much as I don't want to, we stop to have lunch. At the moment, I'm just hoping Kikyo doesn't show up. Not that I didn't want to see her, but I know exactly how Kagome would feel. Ugh, this is so annoying! Where is advice when I need it!

I sniff the air suddenly. Great. I smell wolf. I catch Kagome stiffen as she senses the familiar jewel shards approaching us. A tornado suddenly appears and then stops in front of Kagome, to reveal Koga himself.

"Hello, beautiful," he says and takes her hand, brushing his lips against it softly.

"Hello, beautiful," I mimic and roll my eyes.

Kagome glares at me.

"Feh," I mutter and cross my arms. Koga then turns to me, a cocky smirk on his face that I_ really_ wanted to wipe off.

"Hey dog crap. Pissed on anything lately?" he asks and I reach for Tetsusaiga.

I'm about ready to chop him into pieces but Kagome is giving me that look that says "Not today, Inuyasha". I sigh and reluctantly put my hand down. She doesn't know how much she hurts my pride. Sometimes I feel like her little slave. Whenever I don;t do something she tells me, she says that stupid word. That word needs to be_ banned _from every language!

"Why are you here?" I ask bitterly and he just smirks again. I hate that smirk. It's as if he's saying "Look what I've got and you don't."

"I'm here to visit my _mate_, of course," he says and I frown, expressing my disgust.

I absolutely _hate_ it when he says that. Yet another thing that really ticks me off.

"She's not your mate," I spit angrily.

He turns to Kagome.

"I am humbly asking you if you might have any food to spare," he says, his blue eyes looking down into her brown.

She glances my way and I shake my head. She grabs her backpack and opens it, digging through it's dwindling contents. I watch her pull out a bag of potato chips, some water, and a couple of Raman cups. _Our_ food.

"Kagome, don't give him our food! What about us!" I snap but she hands him the food anyway.

"We thank you greatly," Koga says, kissing her hand again. "There truly are some nice people in the world," he says and then finally disappears in that tornado of speed.

I growl and look down at the ground. What right does he have to come _here _ and ask _us_ for food? What right does he have to touch _my _Kagome Heck, I might not be able to choose but she's still _mine! _I kick at the ground roughly and in the back of my mind I can still see Koga smiling. Eventually, I will kill him. He has shards and I don't think he's going to just hand them over.

Kagome is staring at her hand. I can still see the blush in her cheeks. I growl again in displeasure and sniff the air. Kikyo's scent is close by. I keep looking at Kagome and I can feel my anger rising. She _likes_ him! She let him touch her! She loves making me jealous, I think to myself. I turn around suddenly and head off towards Kikyo's scent, running as fast as I possibly can. I can hear Kagome calling for me, but I ignore her and keep running. Finally, I spot her soul collectors and know that I have found her. Two can play at this game, Kagome.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three:

I am now standing before Kikyo, a smug look on my face. She looks at me, still as beautiful as she ever was. But even her beauty can't hide that fact that she reeks of the scent of death.

"Hello Inuyasha," she says in that cold voice of hers.

I simply look at her, into her eyes. I see nothing in them, nothing at all. It's funny how a person can change so much, yet your feelings for them remain the same.

I raise my hand to her hair and touch it lightly. It's soft but it feels dead...like her. I sigh softly. I want her to be alive, like Kagome. But then, I realize, I would be _forced_ to choose. I wouldn't be able to have them both, no matter how much i wanted it.

I'm very surprised right now to see that Kikyo is leaning into me. Her lips land on mine softly. Right now it's just like every time she visits. I have no control or resistance. So I let her kiss me, but I don't return it. I can't even focus on her kiss right now because that stench of death is practically suffocating me.

Suddenly, I can smell Kagome. I feel dirty right now, and so ashamed, knowing that she's close by and that she can probably see what Kikyo is doing. Suddenly, this all feels wrong. Only a few moments ago, I'd wanted to hurt her. But, something inside me snapped at the thought of her crying again. I just know she's gonna cry. She always cries when I had gone to see _her._

I push Kikyo away suddenly. "No."

She just stares at me with a look of confusion, disgust, and worst of all: pity.

"Get away from me," I say to her and turn my back.

"You're the one who came to me," she says, and I break off into a run, following Kagome's scent.

I can't find her, her scent's disappearing, I realize. I frown as I hear Kikyo's words replaying in my head again. _You're the one who came to me. _I had gone to her. I just wanted Kagome to feel what I felt when Koga came around. Of course, I realize now, I never really wanted to hurt her. But I did, I remind myself. There I go again, being a screw up, a screw up in love.

I growl in frustration as I realize that I led myself back to Sango and the others, only to see that Kagome is not there and that her scent has disappeared.

"Where is she?" I ask Sango.

"I believe she went back to her time," she tells me and I groan, as I suddenly feel like I'm going to throw up.

"Was she mad?" I ask, trying to ignore the wave of nausea that's washing over me.

No, of course she wasn't mad, I think to myself.

"I actually think she was crying," she says and I only feel worse because I know Sango won't hesitate in making sure that I know this is my fault.

I turn my back on her. I can't look at her, I need to get away. So I start running again, only this time, in the direction of the well. Her scent is slowly getting stronger and I know she has gone through to her time. I realize I am not watching where I am going and soon pay for it by landing face down in wet grass. I hurriedly pick myself up and jump into the well without hesitation.

In seconds I am jumping out of the well, in Kagome's era. I run out of the well house and my nose is greeted with her scent. I'm running so fast and then, I collide with something, someone, to be exact. I hear her groan as I land on top of her.

"Kagome," I say, pushing myself up on my arms.

she looks up at me with the saddest expression, her brown orbs filled with such pain. I can see that her eyes are red, more than likely from crying.

"Get away from me!" she yells and pushes me off of her.

"Kagome," i whisper, making an attempt to grab her wrist as she scampers towards the door of her home.

"No!" she shouts and runs inside, slamming the door.

I look down at my hands and suddenly feel like I want to cry myself. My stomach is still churning. I can still taste her on my lips, in my mouth. I feel rotten and worthless sitting there. What did I do to deserve this?

I cannot prevent it any longer. I double over on her lawn and clutch my stomach as I begin emptying the small contents of my stomach. I can't help but welcome the sickening taste of bile, anything that will get rid of the taste of Kikyo.

I need to get away from her house, away from my thoughts. I get up painfully and stagger to the well house. I'm dry heaving as I stumble into the well. back in my time, I climb out shakily and collapse onto the dew-covered grass.

I raise my head after a familiar scent has filled my nostrils. For once in my life, I'm actually scared to see my older brother standing before me. He's looking at me with such an expression of pity and disgust. I want to hurt him, so badly, but I'm having difficulty focusing. I try to get up but my body feels like it's being weighed down. I can only think of Kagome before my world turns to darkness...

I have to say people that I am quite disappointed. I post three new stories and I have over a hundred hits for almost every one of them but no one is taking the time to review. C'mon people, hit me with some criticism, anything! Something that tells me why you kept reading and didn't review before! Oh well, maybe I'll just take these stories off since they don't seem to be doing too well. 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four:

I open my eyes slowly. Surprise washes over me as I look around and find that I'm not dead. I pick myself up off of the ground and dust myself off. I'm grateful to find that Tetsusaiga is still in it's sheath and that I am unharmed. Though I'm never going to say it aloud, I do thank my brother for having enough decency no to kill me when I was in a state of...weakness? I am ashamed to even think that. I push everything else out of my mind and try to focus on the more important matter: Kagome.

For once, my head is hanging low as I halfheartedly search the air for Sango and the others' scents. It's nearby, probably at Kaede's village. I can smell rain as I trudge to the old hag's village. Looking up, I see the large, ominous gray clouds hovering above. Maybe the rain will wash away my feelings at the moment. Maybe the water will just come crashing down and pull me out of the hole I've gotten myself stuck in. I sigh and suddenly wish that Sesshomaru had killed me. But, I remind myself, running away only makes a problem worse. But, on the other hand, if I was gone, there would be no problem.

I sigh in frustration as I enter the village. At least I can rest knowing that I can't possibly hurt Kagome any more, since she's back in her time, I think to myself. But no, the world is against me. I am approached by a very annoyed looking Sango, followed by a weary looking Miroku. Suddenly, a wave of surprise crashes down on me as Sango grabs the front of my haori and glares into my eyes.

"What did you have to go off and do that for!" she yells in my face.

"Get off my back," I reply and push her away from me.

"Really Inuyasha, was it necessary to hurt her so?" Miroku puts in.

"I said, get off my back," I growl and turn around, heading out of the village.

I really want to cut them to bits right now, but I decide to vent my anger out on the trees. For one thing, it's safer and requires a lot less effort. I use my claws over and over until I have cleared out most of "my" forest. The sun is sinking slowly, as am I to the ground. I lean against the remainder of a tree trunk and close my eyes. I can feel the wind blow around me and I can smell the smell of death. I open my eyes slowly, only to see Miss Death herself. She's the whole reason I'm in this mess, and yet, I can't stay mad at her. But, if she hadn't kissed me, I wouldn't feel so bad right now. I wouldn't be waiting for Kagome to return.

She stoops to my level suddenly, and places her hand on my cheek. I turn my head, away from her, and stare at the ground.

"Inuyasha," she says in that monotone voice of hers. "Why did you do this?" she asks, motioning to all the trees.

Because I felt like it, I think to myself. I don't respond and she frowns. Right now I don't want her, I want Kagome.

"How can you be so attached to her? She will never be as I was."

"I know," I say finally. "She is Kagome."

Kikyo's face changes in disgust. I smile inwardly, knowing that's what Kagome would have wanted me to say. I never did understand why Kikyo spoke badly of her. Kagome never said anything badly of Kikyo...at least, not to me. But, Kagome is too honest of a person to even speak of her behind my back.

Kikyo looks at me one last moment, shaking her head, and then, she leaves. I close my eyes again and feel even more like a screw up than I ever have. My ear twitches as I can here a sound, the sound of moving grass. I open my eyes and look up, to be staring in the face of my brother. My hand clutches

Tetsusaiga, but even my brother can see I am in no condition to fight. He looks down at me, a look of pity. I really hate that look but if he chooses to look at me rather than attack, I'm all for it.

He stands there for a moment and I begin to wonder if he is planning to attack me. But, to my surprise, he doesn't move.

"What do you want?" I ask finally.

"This Sesshomaru would like to tell you that there is a difference between loving someone...and being in love," he says and I stare up at him with a puzzled expression.

"What?" I ask, but he turns his back and begins walking away. "Wait a minute, what does that mean?" I ask him, scrambling up off of the ground.

He doesn't answer me, only continues walking. I try to go after him, but in an instant, he is gone. I don't understand. What in the world is that supposed to mean?

There is a difference between loving someone...and being in love. I still don't get it. Is he trying to apply that to my situation? What does "This Sesshomaru" know about love? Maybe Sesshomaru was referring to himself as loving Rin and myself as being in love with...Kikyo?

"Argh, I don't know," I mutter aloud.

It's too much for me to think about tonight. I sigh and crawl on all fours to the Sacred Tree, where I climb to my usual perch, and fall asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five:

I'm still pondering over what my brother meant as I pick at my bowl of stew Kaede has given me. Sango and Miroku keep shooting me questioning looks but I don't acknowledge them. At the moment, I'm in no mood to discuss my life.

I'm waiting for Kagome to come back, that is, if she comes back. I hope she does, and soon. I don't like sitting here, not knowing where she's at or what she's doing, or worse, how she _feels_. I'm and idiot, and I know it. I also know I wouldn't be going through this if I had just kept my jealousy in check. But no...I always have to get revenge.

But I guess sitting here isn't going to help things either. Maybe I should go back through the well and see how she's doing. I want to apologize to her...That's not something that happens every day. I'm just afraid that she'll turn away from me, that she won't listen. I don't want her to run from me like she did the other day. Right now, I just want someone to understand. Why can't they understand? They don't know what it's like to be "killed" by someone who loved and trusted you, even if hadn't really been Kikyo at the time. They don't know what it's like for me at all.

I remember the day Kikyo was brought back, I was shocked to see her. All the feelings I had for her had been released at that moment. and then, she turned on me. She turned on me and I was mere putty in her hands. I had no desire to stop her. No, this was Kikyo. _My_ Kikyo. I would have done anything for her. I remember at one point, I was even going to turn human for her. Human! The one thing I detest the most! And I was willing to do it all, for love. But is it really like that now?

It's really hard for me to say what I feel now. I mean, I'm still carrying around those feelings for her, but I can't say that I'd turn human for her. It's different now. Mostly because someone else has come in to the picture. Yet another issue in my life. I've loved Kikyo for a long time now, but suddenly, all at once, I have feelings for Kagome too. It doesn't make any sense, really. How can I love two people at the same time? But...Sesshomaru. _There is a difference between loving someone...and being in love. _It's still a bit puzzling. But, I think I'm starting to make sense of it. My feelings for one are stronger than my feelings for the other. The only problem is figuring out which one of the two it is.

My mind drifts back to the day before, to when Kikyo saw me.

_"How can you be so attached to her? She will never be as I was."_

Kikyo is really no help in this matter. For when she speaks, thinks, or acts, it's always about her. Herself. It's always about _Kikyo_. Wait...that's it!

I jump up from my spot on the floor and everyone's head turns in my direction.

"Inuyasha?" Miroku asks.

I ignore him and run out of the hut, out of the village. As fast as my legs can carry me, I'm off to the well.


End file.
